Final Fantasy VII: The Complete Guide To Chocobos Trilogy
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Watch Cloud as he gets screwed over in these hilarious crack-tutorials on how to handle chocobos! This is a re-release of our numerous Final Fantasy VII chocobo themed comedy fics we have written over the years! Each story has been re-edited and re-formatted. Whether you have seen the originals or missed them completely, these will be worth the nostalgic read again!
1. Introduction

**Story** : Final Fantasy VII: The Complete Guide To Chocobos Trilogy  
 **Author** : Master Jin Sonata  
 **Written** : August 29th, 2015  
 **Genre** : Humor/Parody  
 **Rating** : T (Violence, Language/Suggestive Scenes)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Square or its cute feathery birds.

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 **This is a collection of all of the Final Fantasy VII Chocobo fics we have published on this site from several years ago. We will be removing the original versions, so this definitive update is where you will now find them! In this collection you will find** :

 **How To Catch A Chocobo: A Chocobo Sage's Guide**  
Originally Published On February 9th, 2006

 **How To Race A Chocobo: A Chocobo Racer's Guide**  
Originally Published On April 8th, 2007

 **How To Breed A Chocobo: A Chocobo Handler's Guide**  
New Story

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 **Please proceed to the next chapter for the first story** **:** **How To Catch A Chocobo: A Chocobo Sage's Guide** **!**


	2. How To Catch A Chocobo

**How To Catch A Chocobo: A Chocobo Sage's Guide**

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A little man with a white beard flips the switch on a film projector. He then walks up to the front of the room and stands behind a podium below the screen. The movie counts down before starting. The little man begins narrating.

"Hello, and welcome to a special presentation entitled…uh…what was the name of this movie again?…Oh, now I remember! How To Catch A Chocobo, a guide by me: The Chocobo Sage! In this short film, my good friend Cloud Strife will be handling the demonstrations while I narrate. Now, let's get started."

The black and white silent movie opens up showing a wide-open field with mountains in the background on a sunny day. The camera pans to the left to reveal Cloud aimlessly walking around wondering what the hell was going on and why he was in the middle of nowhere.

"Meet Cloud. A well mannered, but troubled young man who carries a big sword and sports a dorky hairstyle."

Cloud turns to the camera and crosses his arms, sticking his tongue at the Chocobo Sage's remarks.

Today he will be showing us how easy it is to catch a Chocobo. So let's begin with the first step:

 **Step One: Locate Some Chocobo Tracks**

"It is important that you first seek out some Chocobo tracks embedded into the ground. It is a sure place to find a Chocobo when you need one. But you must be careful not to step into the…oh shoot…what aren't you supposed to be stepping in…?"

Cloud wanders around in the film until he finds a set of Chocobo tracks. Upon further inspection, he notices a gargantuan footprint 50-times its normal size. He then notices a very large shadow blanket the area. He screams as a monstrous-sized Chocobo then crushes him with a single stomp.

"Oh, now I remember! Be careful not to get near the freakishly large footprints. Giant mutated Chocobo tread those areas. Moving on to the second step:

 **Step Two: Gather Some Fresh Greens**

"Chocobo can't resist the crisp, lush flavor of Gyshal Greens. Picking some up before you go hunting for one is a must. How about grabbing a few at that local farm over yonder?"

Cloud points to a farm a ways from him in the distance.

"Yes, yes, that farm. Go on!"

The film now shows Cloud now at the farm, picking some greens from someone's garden. Out of nowhere, a farmer sees him and begins running toward his with a shotgun, chasing Cloud off of his farm yelling at him to drop his greens, firing at Cloud a few dozen times.

"Now that we have some greens, its time for the fun part! Third step:

 **Step Three: With Your Greens On Hand, Run Around The Chocobo Tracks Until You Get Into A Battle**

"As the third step implies, run around the Chocobo tracks until you get into a battle. Once in battle, you will be confronted by a Chocobo, accompanied by a few monsters."

Cloud does just that, and is in battle. In front of him he sees a Chocobo looking at him, but sees no other enemies around.

"Now, to keep the Chocobo from running away from you, toss some greens at him, and he'll be preoccupied with eating up the greens while you finish of the other foes around him."

Cloud does just that, but looks around and sees no one to fight. Out of nowhere, Ruby Weapon grabs him from behind and begins beating the shit out of him. After a few minutes of struggling, Cloud finally defeats the Weapon. He, however, is beaten, bruised, and his sword is broken in half.

"And there you have it! By now you should have you own Chocobo at your own disposal!"

The film now shows Cloud shakily giving a thumbs-up next to his acquired Chocobo, before falling over unconscious. The Chocobo looks at him wondering what's wrong with him.

"That's all for today's presentation folks! This is…uh…what's my name again?…Oh, The Chocobo Sage, casting off until next time!"

The Sage then runs off the stage as he is bombarded by a legion of Chocobo lead by Cloud, who's pissed off at the Sage for stupidly taking part in that movie.

 _ **FIN**_

(Note: No Chocobo were harmed during the making of this film.)

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 **Please review and keep watch for the next story: How To Race A Chocobo: A Chocobo Racer's Guide, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	3. How To Race A Chocobo

**How To Race A Chocobo: A Chocobo Racer's Guide**

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A man wearing black cowboy attire is seen walking through the gate of the Gold Saucer, He heads up the stairs and enters the Chocobo Racing arena. After going into the stables where his prized black Chocobo resides, he looks up and notices the readers reading this fic.

"Howdy! The name's Joe, and this is my Chocobo Teio. A while ago, the Chocobo Sage showed you how to catch one of these fine birds! Now I'm going to show you how to race a Chocobo and how to keep them in tiptop shape. With us here tonight is everyone's favorite spiky-haired hero: Cloud!

Cloud is seen inside another booth tugging with all his might to pull his stubborn Chocobo out of its stable stall, which stood there looking at Cloud with a clueless look on its face. Cloud then loses his grip and flies backwards, landing face-first in a steaming pile of bird-dung.

"Right…let's get started with my quick and easy tips on race preparation..."

 **Tip #1: Keep Your Chocobo In Good Health**

"Keeping your Chocobo healthy is a no brainier. But for it to reach its full potential, you must feed it the right type of greens," Joe says, looking to see if his racing rival is doing what he told him to do.

Cloud is now carrying a handful of greens to his Chocobo. He sets them down and feeds it one. The Chocobo's face turns green and it immediately throws it up on Cloud's face.

"It might take several tries until you find which type of greens your bird actually likes."

Cloud is now covered completely with vegetable barf while his Chocobo is happily enjoying the very last batch of greens he gave to it.

"Now for the next demonstration..."

 **Tip #2: …Naming Your Chocobo?!**

Joe looks at Cloud with disbelief.

"You mean you haven't yet named your bird?!"

Cloud gives Joe his trademark 'I don't know' shrug.

"Okay then…well, what are you waiting for? Give your new friend a name already!"

Cloud picks up a bunch of signs with possible names written on them and shows it to his Chocobo.

(((How does Martha sound?)))

The Chocobo pecks the sign in half, showing its dislike for the name. Cloud shows him another sign.

(((What about KFC?)))

His Chocobo grabs the sign with its beak and slaps Cloud upside the head with it, again, not liking the name. Cloud shakes off the stars and shows his bird one final sign.

(((Okay, can we settle for Boko?)))

The Chocobo jumps up and down with glee, liking the name. Cloud wipes his brow with relief, when suddenly a loose wooden beam from the stable's roof falls on top of Cloud from the Chocobo's jumping, knocking Cloud out cold.

"Um…well…after Cloud wakes up, we'll continue with the next tip," Joe says, a big anime-style sweat-drop appearing on his forehead.

 **An Hour Later**

Joe is seen finishing a sandwich from a sack-lunch. After he's done eating, he notices Cloud regaining consciousness, so he quickly hides the lunch-bag he holds that has the name 'Cloud' on it.

"Great! Now that Cloud is awake, we can now go to..."

 **Tip #3: Mounting Your Chocobo Before A Race**

"You may have a strong, healthy Chocobo fit for racing, but the true test of companionship is shown if your bird will let you actually ride it. Let's watch and see what happens."

Cloud is now outside at the tracks ready to mount his bird. He hoists himself onto Boko and kicks it to tell it to 'Giddy-up'. Boko retaliates by jumping up into the air, and flipping itself upside down. The bird landed on the ground, crushing Cloud on impact. Cloud's arm rises from underneath his bird and gives a shaky thumbs-up to Joe.

"Good…I think. Now for tonight's final tip..."

 **Tip #4: Winning A Race**

Joe, Cloud, and several other racers are lined up at the Chocobo Racer's starting line. While all the other Chocobo and their owners look cool and ready to race, Boko is seen frantically trying to wiggle Cloud off of him, since Cloud glued himself on Boko's back to keep him from falling off.

"Now for the moment of truth. If you have taken all of my tips into consideration, you will have a greater chance of victory of winning your first race, or at least placing high in placement," Joe says, before turning to Cloud. "Good luck, partner!"

Cloud gives Joe a doubtful smile.

" _ **READY…..SET…..GO!"**_

The announcer waves the flag for the race to begin. All of the racers start off strong down the track, while Cloud and Boko are still at the starting line. Desperate to get his Chocobo to start racing, he pulls out its favorite greens and tosses it in down the track. Boko squeals happily and starts jetting off down the track to get it. However, the ball of greens suddenly rolls off to the side. Boko goes after it, crashing through a wall and the two began flying out of the arena.

 **(For added fun, imaging the 'Fiddle de Chocobo theme playing as the following scenes happen)**

Boko and Cloud land on the Roller coaster, which took them all around the park. A sharp-turn later, the coaster dumps the two out of the seats, and the two fall through the ceiling of another building: The Battle Arena. The two then frantically start running away when Ruby Weapon sees them and starts attacking.

After leaving the building, Boko sees the ball of greens and continues chasing after it once again. After crashing through several crowds of people, slamming into several arcade machines, trampling over Cait Sith, and trashing the haunted hotel, the two somehow make it back to the Chocobo Racing track, where Boko finally catches up to his treat and eats it. Cloud looks like he was thrown into a clothes-dryer full of rocks and was rolled around on spin-cycle for 5 hours. The glue wears off, and Cloud slides off his bird and crashes to he ground.

" _ **AND WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS! CLOUD AND HIS CHOCOBO, BOKO WIN THE RACE!"**_

Both Cloud and Boko give a really dumfounded look to the audience, just realizing that they actually were the first to reach the finish line.

Joe rides up next to them and congratulates them.

"Good job you two. You really were something. Want to race again tonight?"

Cloud is now seen running away from them, screaming and arms flailing in the air.

"Oh well, that concludes my guide on Chocobo racing. Until next time amigos!"

Joe and his black Chocobo ride off into the night, while Boko goes after his owner Cloud to see if he has any more yummy greens.

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 _ **FIN**_

 **Please review and keep watch for the final story:** **How To Breed A Chocobo: A Chocobo Handler's Guide** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	4. How To Breed A Chocobo

**How To Breed A Chocobo: A Chocobo Handler's Guide**

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A young boy wearing farmer's clothing is seen tilling the soil in a large farm out in the Grasslands Area of the Eastern Continent. He wipes his brow and notices you, the reader, reading this fic. He smiles as he sets down his tools and turns his attention toward you.

"Why hello there! ay'm Choco Billy, ayn' this here is my family's Chocobo farm! My task today is ta teach y'all how ta breed ayy Chocobo! My special guest today is an experienced young man named Cloud, who already has ayy leg-up on tha process with him a-havin' done caught ayn' raced one in tha past! Say hello ta tha audience, will y'all?" Choco Billy says, signalling our spiky-haired hero.

The camera pans around the farm until it located our hero Cloud Strife, looking very disgruntled as he leans against the side of a barn. He notices the camera and immediately yelps in distress. Not wanting to be a part of any more of these crazy tutorials, Cloud tries to flee the scene, dodging and evading the camera as it attempts to keep up with him. His swift exit is cut short though…

 **WHAM!**

…as he collides into a tractor parked in the back of the farm.

After he wakes up from being unconscious for several hours, Cloud finds himself within the large barn. Next to him is Choco Billy and Cloud's yellow Chocobo, the same mischievous bird Cloud has dealt with this entire series.

"Oh good, y'all're finally awake! Now we can get on with tha demostrashun on how ta 'Breed A Chocobo!'" Choco Billy proclaims with much enthusiasm. Cloud on the other hand started to weep with frustration.

 **First Rule: Your Chocobo Must Be Healthy and in Top Form!**

"Before any breeding is ta take playe, y'all must make sure that there y'all's Chocobo is in tip-top shape! Lucky fowr y'all, tha reader, Cloud here has already taken tha tahm ta build up his trust steed, so there is no need-ta dwell on this here step!" Choco Billy states with much approval.

Cloud only gives the audience a half-smile, relieved he doesn't have to do any prep for this demo, but at the same time he is annoyed as he is having flashbacks of the mess he went through in the last two chapters.

 **Second Rule: Your Chocobo Must Be Fed Right In Order To Reproduce with the Best Results!**

"Chocobo are unlike humans, in that there they need-ta be done fed speciaal 'Nuts' ta prahm them fowr a-producin' offspring," Choco Billy states.

Reaching into his wallet, Cloud pulls out a dollar to buy the cheapest nut he could buy. His Chocobo responds by pecking Cloud in the head in disapproval of the notion. Cloud then pulls out ten dollars, prompting his Chocobo to peck him in the head again. Finally, and hesitantly, Cloud pulls out his Shinra Credit Card, which was snagged by Choco Billy immediately.

"This will do! Here y'all go, tha best nut money can buy! I'll send y'all tha bill fowr $50,000,000 dollars in tha mail," Choco Billy responds, handing Cloud the most expensive piece of feed on the planet. Cloud's Chocobo looked very excited, while Cloud just glares at them both.

 **Third Rule: Your Chocobo Must Find A Suitable Mate and then Bam, Instant Babies!**

"The final step is ta find ayy suitable mate fowr y'all's chocobo! Fear nahwt though, as ay have already bred tha perfect female Chocobo fowr y'all! Now y'all just need-ta teach them how ta get intimate with one another and produce babies!" Choco Billy says to Cloud.

Cloud stares back at the kid with a look that says "You've got to be shitting me…".

Having no choice in the manner, Choco Billy prepares a stage play for the male and female Choco-pair to watch to learn how to mate with one another. On stage steps out Cloud wearing his drag outfit from the Sector 6 Wall Market, complete with wig, dress, and the laced panties. Representing the male on stage was Don Corneo, dressed in his pimp outfit.

Both male and female Chocobo sit and watch, while eating popcorn, as Cloud and Don Corneo awkwardly demonstrate the mating process (I'll leave the imagery up to you).

The next morning, Choco Billy, Cloud, along with Joe, and the Chocobo Sage return to the barn to find both Chocobos with their newborn baby, a healthy gold Chocobo.

"And there y'all have it! Isn't tha baby adawable? This here concludes today's demonstration on how ta breed ayy Chocobo, ayn' tha conclusion av this here overall trilogy! Hope y'all done enjoyed reading!" Choco Billy says to the readers with much glee.

Cloud turns to everyone and gives them the middle finger before storming off to leave this fic.

 ** _FIN_**

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 **That does it with this trilogy! Please review and checkout all of our other hilarious fics!**


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